Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it