If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.