Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Effort made