Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
You Might Also Like
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Roses are red, you always mattered,
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I laughed at this way too hard.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.