Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.