Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Finally
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change