Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I don’t think my car can fly
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*