Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
calling in to work dehydrated
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
When does CPR become necrophilia?