Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Ghost costume 😂
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.