The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You Might Also Like
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”