My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
You Might Also Like
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.