Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Cinematography is my passion
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice