The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Broom by every window for quick escape.