The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.