Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
You Might Also Like
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
meow
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
(Musicians.)
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.