hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“you recording!?”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
bugs when you lift up a rock
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.