Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
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Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*