I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.