*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog