Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
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Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
i think my razor is having a panic attack
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]