Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Great game to play with friends
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster