Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this