One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.