Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot