wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.