*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Whoa 😂
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.