I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
U talkin 2 me?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.