My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.