I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.