[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
concern
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.