*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
is this meant to deter me
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…