I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
You know…for fall…
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it