The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup