I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
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Hit me in the face with a bird
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston