Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist