Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My kitchen overserved me.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice