*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
You Might Also Like
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Geez man, take it easy.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.