As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
They got Raph!
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong