This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU