Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Shortcut
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change