doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.