In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
<- sleeps well with others
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’d hang this in my house.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
No laws when master is gone