A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
This has made my week.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves