Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
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Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.