Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
A friend helps you before you need it
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?