My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
incredible text to wake up to
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
What’s so funny?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]