Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*