Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them