TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.