hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Inside you there are two wolves
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas